I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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