Soap is not a condiment
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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