I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
