is your mom at the bar?
And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
