wrigley field is MILF paradise
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Can you bring me the toilet please
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