I wish I only lived at night.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
is wine microwaveable?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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