so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
