I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize