I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Randomize