I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
