why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize