sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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