just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
