Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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