...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
