I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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