i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
