2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
