I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
