anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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