Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
