i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
