Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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