I'm eating all of the evidence.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Randomize
