here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
