I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
