Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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