Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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