This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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