He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
