and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
did i just pee glitter
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
