dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
i think i just lost a toe
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
