I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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