I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
