last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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