Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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