i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
