How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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