You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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