I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
