I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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