she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
