You work out of a Hotel?
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
