can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
