Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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