I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize