alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
this boner is exhausting
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize