well I can't set my house on fire every night
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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