So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
