I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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