Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
