someone threw a dead crab at me
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
