I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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