I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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