I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
