Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
