The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
