Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
