Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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