this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize