I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
