low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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