Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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