He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
