if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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