he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
