I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
My ATM looks so different sober.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
