Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize